whosaysthat

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blaine

in august of 2007, i was unemployed, lost and confused. i was separated from my family by two hundred kilometers of highway. i was trying, unsuccessfully, to make some kind of real life for myself, because that's what i thought i should be doing. finding myself crying in my room, in the house i shared with three girls, was not an uncommon occurrence.

i believe that siblings have the ability to share a unique connection that, in my experience, can span any distance. like the pain in my stomach that i felt as i watched my sister get her first tattoo.

i used to receive updates on my brother's condition as he went through different surgeries, different doctors, different hospitals. i constantly struggled with what role i was supposed to play in it all. i wanted desperately to go home, but felt my family would see that as some kind of failure, and it would stress them out more.

august 16th, 2007, i knew, without knowing, that we were losing him. it was a pain in my stomach. it was the absolute inability to stop crying. i read an entire novel that night to keep the tears away. early morning august 17th, my phone rang. my dad didn't have to say the words. he was gone.

when i opened my bedroom door, my room mates and best friends knew i wasn't okay. i'll never forget the way they were there for me, sending me on my trip with snacks and cigarettes and so much love.

that's when the chaos of my day began. my sister was at a cottage halfway between me and my hometown, but further north. we were to meet in a city i had never driven to. i can't remember if i didn't have a cell phone, or if it was dead, but after a white-knuckled drive, i was desperate for a pay phone and quarters. calling my parents, calling my sister's friend's father, trying to figure out where they were, where i was. and then she was there. and we both knew. and i think we were both just little bit more okay. we were stronger together.

then we were walking into our family's backyard. i hadn't had time to expect anything. i see now that i should have, but i didn't expect to see the faces of my oldest, beautiful, best friends. that's when i let myself cry again and be enveloped by their love.

the next few days were a blur. i had no idea my big brother had effected so many lives. the memorial was packed. the reverend did a remarkably good job of honouring my atheist brother for my christian mom.

in a couple months it will have been six years. when my sister turned twenty three in october i asked her if it felt strange to have made it farther in life than he had. it had felt strange for me.

i savour the feeling of remembering him now. he hasn't shown up in my dreams for a while. i hope he does again soon.

5:36 a.m. - 2013-06-25

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